It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. ~ Pope John XXIII
I don’t know about you but I think that as an adoptee often we naturally go in search of our birth moms and our dads kind of come later. We likely do this because we associate our Birth Mothers as the ones that birthed us and gave us up. And I’ve been in the adoption triad long enough to know that there are many scenarios regarding ones relinquishment but I am just talking in the sense of how we may feel or perceive things. I certainly focused on my Birth Mom in my search and if I found my dad well that was a bonus.
My search went of for many many years and as we go along in the blog you will see what a tangled web we can weave and how things can change so quickly from what we’d dreamed, hoped and longed for to the reality of what we faced at the end of our search.
As mentioned before when in searching for my Birth Mother I found she had passed away but that my Birth Father (Chuck) was still alive living in Victoria BC. I was absolutely elated because although all those years she was the focus of my search but finding my father brought me back to a place of a little girl. What little girl doesn’t want to know her “daddy”. I went to BC to meet him and some of the family. As time went on I quickly woke up to the harsh realities behind my adoption and that it was not just her choice to give me up but “their” choice. They stayed together after they had me and raised hers and his other children from their first marriages.
I did go onto build a relationship with him but it was absolutely strained for a long time for various reasons. I don’t need to like or agree with is choices in life but I brought him into my life and I did need to accept him for who he was if I wanted a relationship on any level. I say “was” because he has now passed and although I wish things were different I am grateful for the time we had together.My adoptive father John died when I was a very young girl and to this day I mourn his loss. It’s interesting because on some level I more so mourn the loss of him and what could have been; if I was to guess why I would say because he was taken away by an accident and didn’t make that choice to leave. The little I know or can remember of him makes that wish for time with him even stronger. I think he would’ve stood by his beliefs and could’ve changed the mindset of many. Many folks did not accept me as his child (or their adopted child I should say) because of being adopted; especially in the Dutch community as this isn’t something that was recognized. My understanding is he was a man of conviction, integrity and great father. Now that is the man that I wish could’ve called me “daddy’s little girl”.Something that makes me smile is that I got a stuffed dog from Papa John when I was just wee small and you can see it here beside me in this picture when I was about 5.And I still have him. Just that little piece of my dad that will always be with me. Ok so she’s been re-stuffed and is a little wore for wear but it is so incredibly special to me and one of the few tangible things I still have that hold me to him. I in no way dwell on the past but can not help from time to time think what it would’ve been like to have a “present” father. A man to guide me along life paths, protect me, have father and daughters “firsts” and build that father/daughter relationship with.
I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection. ~Sigmund Frued